Why did I do that?

     Have you ever found yourself, milliseconds after doing something, wondering why you did it?  Perhaps it is as innocent as taking that last bite of the dessert that you swore you would leave half of, or maybe even as hurtful words are coming out of your mouth you think "I shouldn't say this," but it is as it you are compelled and you just can't stop.  In our Romans reading for this week Paul asks the same question.  The theme of sinning continues from last week in Romans 7.15-25a as Paul states, "I do not understand my own actions.  For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate."  He was a human being just like us, and and he strove to live a better life in Christ only to be disappointed in himself over and over again.
     As Christians this is our struggle while we are still on earth, the struggle between the devil on the one shoulder and the angel on the other shoulder, as so many cartoons depict it - the part of us that loves to do the wrong thing, even when the other part of us knows it's a bad decision.  So are we helpless to forever listen to the devil on the one shoulder?  Thankfully, the answer to that is a resounding NO!
     Paul wondered the same thing, which is why our reading ends, "Who will rescue me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"  As I ponder Paul's words, I sometimes think that perhaps the biggest sin that gets me over and over again is that I don't really believe Jesus can help me.  I know that God has transformed me in Jesus in the waters of baptism, but I don't really believe it.  I often just throw my hands up in exasperation and give in to the hopelessness that I will never be better and will forever be stuck in my brokenness.
     What a crisis of faith!  To think that as Christians we, for the most part, don't really believe Christ has the power to change the world one person at a time?  Isn't that God's mission in Christ?  Isn't that why we proclaim Christ's love to others?  Isn't that why we baptize and teach?  (Of course there is the after-death component, which is lovely, but doesn't help us much in the mean time.)  But once again, thanks be to God through Jesus Christ that he comes to our rescue.  In our moment of faith crisis, just when we have given up hope that life in Christ could be any different, we hear Christ's words to us, "Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."  What better words to offer comfort than the open invitation from Christ?  Perhaps it is just at the moment of hopelessness that Christ can best speak to us, since when we think we can do it on our own we have no need for help therefore we have no need for Christ.  Until we come to the moment of grace when we come to fully understand our inability to live a Christian life on our own, without Christ's power and mercy, we continue to beat ourselves up and live in the mystery asking over and over, "Why did I do that?"