What is my cross?

     In my very first class of my very first day of my very first semester of college, I found myself sitting in a large lecture hall, down in the front row on the left side of the center section.  Dr. Dolphin stood up and welcomed us to Biology 201.  He then promised us that not all of us would make it.  This was the biology class for those individuals on a pre-med track.  It was the hardest of the hard, where the best of the best would succeed and the rest would inevitably drop out or fail.
     And it was hard.  4 exams, 40 questions each.  Hundreds and hundreds of flashcards for memorization.  At the end it turns out that I made it.  Barely.  By the skin of my teeth.  (And in fact I did end up taking it again to get a better grade.)

photo by Erika Uthe

     In our gospel lesson for Sunday, taken from Mark 8, it feels as if Jesus is the professor and the disciples are the students.  Jesus is telling his disciples up front: this is going to be hard.  I am the Messiah and whoever wants to become my disciple must deny themselves, take up their cross and follow me.  In these words I hear Dr. Dolphin's voice, "not all of you will make it."
     Is this the Discipleship 201 lecture?  Is this the hardest of the hard where only the best of the best will make it? At least Jesus is right up front here - being his follower, his disciple, will mean self-denial and possibly suffering.  It will mean losing your life.
     It is no wonder the disciples, Peter particularly, took Jesus aside and told him he must be mistaken.  Actually, it was probably a little stronger since it says he 'rebuked' him.  Classic case of the student knowing more than the teacher.  And, in reality, aren't we all like Peter?
     In our North American culture, it is thought that having it all together is a sign that surely you have God's favor and that surely you are a strong Christian.  So when things start to go wrong, many just put on a show, plastering on a smile and pretending that all is well when in reality they are silently suffering.  Or, they simply stop coming to worship, they opt out of everything 'church' and sit at home, suffering with their questions of why.  Why me?  Why this?  Why now?
     Our gospel for this week flies in the face of everything we have previously considered 'Christian' and says to us the exact opposite.  To be a follower of Christ isn't to have it all - all together, all you want, all going perfectly.  Indeed to be a follower of Christ is to trust in all - all circumstances, all things, all times.
     Now if this sounds tough and unpleasant that's because it is.  And it is hard.  Jesus' disciples, in the end, abandoned him at the cross.  They were weeded out of Discipleship 201 - the final exam came and these followers failed.  And so do we.  It is easier, more pleasant, and generally what we think of as self-preservation that lead us to abandon our own crosses, and in so doing completely miss Jesus in our lives.
     What then are we to do?  If these disciples, who lived, ate, learned, and walked with Jesus couldn't even pass, who can?  Well - in reality none can.  But for the grace of God.  Because of the cross, because of God's grace poured out through it, we can all pass with flying colors.  Through the cross we are invited to live with our own, and to acknowledge that in those 'cross moments' Christ has not abandoned us, but is hanging solidly with us.  Because he bore his cross, we bear ours.
     So now, in the course of Discipleship 201, even though we continue to fail exam after exam, even after we show up to class with incomplete homework, and even with our inconsistent performance, Christ gives us the passing grade we need.  He continually invites us back to lectures, lessons, and second-chances.  He continually works to remind us that he is with us, cheering us on, and reassuring that in Discipleship 201 there may be failed exams but there are no failures in his course.
     In the end, he simply stands (or hangs rather) and loves us into taking up our own crosses.  These reflections have gotten me pondering my own Discipleship 201 syllabus.  What has Jesus been teaching me?  Where have I been missing him on the cross because I've been looking for him everywhere else?  And mostly I've been pondering, what is my cross?